Disney Dunces

Hey, did you know that Benjamin Franklin was a known grave robber? It’s true. You should look up that letter where he eloquently lists the reasons why old women are far more superior sexually to their younger counterparts. It boils down to them having to try harder because they are no longer beautiful, are super grateful for it, and don’t worry about how they look because “as in the dark all cats are grey.” Oh, and their vaginas don’t age as fast as their faces because science. Anyway, enjoy these idiots talking about a significantly less interesting Benjamin Franklin for a while. Ya, that's who Nicholas Cage plays, Benjamin Franklin Gates. I just learned that, and now I like this movie even less. It’s time to steal the Declaration of Independence, National Treasure!

Choo choo! All aboard the idiot train for a one way trip to the truth! That's right you fur faced imbeciles, at long last the true identity of James “The Baby Yoda” Webb is finally revealed. So put on your pink tank top and get out those big meaty claws for an answer that’s sure to leave you sufficiently whelmed. It’s the episode three years in the making, Beauty and the Beast!

No, no solo coloqué un texto en un traductor y terminé con esta descripción. USTED dejó caer esta descripción en un traductor y ahora es un desastre porque no puede leer español. El perezoso eres tú, no yo. Es la historia de la menstruación para latinoamérica,The Three Caballeros!

When I can’t remember what actually happens in one of these episodes, I take a quick peek into the Disney Dunces group chat to help refresh my memory for these summaries. This week it was just pictures of sexy turtle women, the Baby Yoda, and also one of them might be LGBTQIA2S+... I guess? I’m sure it all makes sense in context. It’s mainly an excuse to see more Aunt Cass, Baymax!!

Why say gay… when you can sing it! That’s right boys and girls and tikes - much like racism, taking pride in who you are is a year long activity and will not be confined to a single month just because THE MAN/WOMAN/PERSONS said so. Also don’t worry, I’d wager the Dunces haven’t been allowed near any school zone for some time now. It’s where Diana Ross got her start, Trevor: The Musical!

Hey, don't blame me! SCOTUS made us carry this episode to term to the displeasure of everyone involved. So I guess you’ll just have to learn to live with our mistake, ya? It’s not as bad as all that, but still pretty bad, Johnny Tsunami!

So it's Andy’s birthday… and the rest is history. Let’s face it, you know this story like the back of Benjamin “Buzz” Lightyear’s hand, but if you really feel the need for a refresher, the boys are here for you. Who knows, maybe you’ll learn something you failed to pick up on your first thirty viewings, but probably not. It’s a post-apocalyptic tale for the whole family, Toy Story!

Do you hear me calling, out your name? Lamblala somethin' somethin' la blah dah dah ah. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo IIIIIIIIIIII, I want to be with you everywhere! Alright, now read every once in a while for the next hour or so, and you're good. It’s a sequel to someone, Hollywood Stargirl!

Holy cow! Not just one, but two special guest appearances in this week’s episode. Talk about going the distance! Oh, and for those worrying that they’ll have nothing left to look forward to after experiencing this godlike chapter of the Dunces mythos, I’ll see to it personally that Mr. Goldthwait returns when the boys eventually cover Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja. It’s related to Noah’s ark… somehow, Disney’s Hercules!

Sometimes, some crimes go slippin’ through the cracks. Other times, people feel the need to record their crimes and post it all over the internet for the world to see and hear. Bet you can’t guess which time this is! It’s the second, third, or maybe even fourth, most ambitious crossover in DPOM history, Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers!